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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 9 months ago
My observation for the last 50 years of researching people is that every human being wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are. So what does that really mean and what exactly is love?
In my many years of studying human behavior, I’ve found that the majority of people find being true to themselves, or what some call being authentic, a struggle, that makes it thus a challenge to be loved for who they truly are. Many people are somewhat fearful of not ftting in with their peers or social crowd and standing out as authentic individuals.
Like many people, you may sometimes exaggerate and puff yourself, creating an arrogant and inflated version of yourself.
Or you may do the opposite and minimize yourself and self-depreciate, creating a deflated version of yourself.
In both instances, you are not being yourself and are instead projecting a facade that hides your authentic self. These behaviors can make it difficult for others to genuinely love you.
When you exaggerate yourself, you tend to become narcissistic and project your highest values onto others. In doing so, you often expect them to live in your highest values and may even expect to get something for nothing.
This is non-sustainable and often alienates people, which tends to humble you and bring you back down toward authenticity.
When you minimize yourself, you tend to be more altruistic, willing to sacrifice for others, and often try to live in their highest values.
This too is not sustainable and likely results in you getting frustrated and realizing your self-worth, which lifts you up and brings you toward authenticity.
Both of these personas, exaggerated or minimized, are valuable feedback systems to bring you back to homeostasis and authenticity so you can be simultaneously conscious of both sides of yourself.
It may surprise you to hear that you have a number of internal feedback systems inside you to try to get you back to authenticity. There are also external feedback systems doing the same thing.
Your intuition, physiological symptoms and sociological feedback are all trying to get you there.
So, when you puff yourself up, people tend to criticize you and bring you down.
When you beat yourself up, people tend to praise you and lift you up.
Everything around you and within you is trying to get you back to authenticity so you can be loved for who you are.
The question is why are the majority of people not being themselves?
There’s something called the Law of Contrast. Let’s say, for example, that you meet someone at a party and perceive them to be smarter, more attractive, more socially connected, wealthier, or more spiritually aware than you are.
You may tend to exaggerate them, look up to them, be more conscious of their upsides than downsides, and minimize yourself as a result.
The opposite also applies when you look down on others because you are more conscious of their downsides than upsides.
As a result, you may tend to exaggerate yourself, and minimize them.
That’s the Law of Contrast in a nutshell.
The moment you exaggerate them, you tend to minimize yourself, you go into a persona that's now altruistic, and sacrifice yourself to them.
The moment you minimize them, you tend to puff yourself up, project your highest values onto them, and try to sacrifice the ‘minimized’ individual for you.
The likely result is ineffective communication and non-sustainable relationship dynamics.
However, when you become simultaneously aware of both the perceived positive and negative aspects of people you may idealize or despise, you are more likely to love them for their complete selves.
I believe that nature compels you to broaden your awareness and see both sides, so you can extract the meaning in your experiences and existence.
When you judge another individual, it means that you have a lopsided perception about them, you’re seeing more positive than negative or more negative than positive, you skew your view of them with a subjective bias influenced by your subconsciously stored past baggage and thus you are highly unlikely to see them. You are also unlikely to see yourself as you are and tend to have difficulty loving them and yourself as a result.
However, when you bring them into balance and see both sides of them, and bring yourself back into balance and see both sides of you, you are unlikely to experience narcissism or altruism, exaggerate or minimize, or puff up or inflate yourself or others.
As such, you can have equanimity within yourself and equity between yourself and others. You are more likely to have a sustainable fair exchange, and you’ll experience a moment of grace and love.
Love is the synthesis and synchronicity of all possible complementary pairs of opposites that you perceive.
Anytime you perceive some behavior without simultaneously seeing its opposite, you block yourself from experiencing love.
You may experience polarized emotions - an impulse towards when you're infatuated or an instinct away when you’re resentful – but love is not a polarized emotion. Instead, it is a synthesis of all complementary opposite pairs of emotions simultaneously.
It is this synthesis that opens the heart and leads to the synthesized feelings of gratitude, love, certainty, inspiration, enthusiasm and presence.
You may recall that famous movie, Fatal Attraction that was a powerful example of infatuation that an individual perceived to be love.
Polarized emotions can fool you. They're an amygdala response that originates in the lower or inner subcortical area of the brain, as opposed to the higher medial prefrontal cortex that allows you to see both sides objectively and simultaneously.
It is wise to recognize that infatuation and resentment separately do not define love but likely cloud your judgment.
In my signature program, the Breakthrough Experience that I run online most every weekend, I many times see people struggling with deep resentments towards people they genuinely love.
These resentments mostly stem from skewed subconscious biases and distorted perceptions of events or others.
By teaching the Demartini Method, I help people become aware of their unconscious perceptions.
For example:
- When infatuated, you tend to be conscious of the positives and unconscious of the negatives.
- When resentful, you tend to be conscious of the negatives and unconscious of the positives.
The Demartini Method is a powerful tool to help you become conscious of both sides simultaneously so you can be balanced, neutral, objective, and develop mastery over your mind and your life.
In doing so, you will be less likely to be swayed and run by polarized emotions, and more likely to see both sides so you can be poised, present and grateful.
In essence, the Demartini Method is a series of questions designed to help you become conscious of any unconscious information.
As I often say, the quality of your life depends on the quality of the questions you ask.
For example, when you feel infatuation or resentment towards someone, you can ask yourself, "What specific trait, action, or inaction do I resent the most in them?" By identifying the trait, you can explore a moment in your own life when you displayed that same behavior.
This process often reveals that you resent someone because they reflect a part of yourself that you feel ashamed of, but your pride prevents you from admitting that what you see in them is also in you.
As such, you tend to want to avoid them because they remind you of what you don't love in yourself.
The same applies to when you admire someone and are too humble to admit what you see in them is inside you.
However, once you have reflective awareness where the seer, the seeing and the seen are the same, when you honor within you whatever you see in them, and own it quantitatively and qualitatively to the same degree, you are able to calm down the infatuations, resentments and the prides and shames, level the playing field, and love truly love both them and yourself.
The Demartini Method is a science that I have seen transform relationships with others and yourself.
The Demartini Method is a methodical science on dissolving emotional baggage so you can liberate yourself from the things that weigh you down, that feed your subconscious mind and result in anxieties and fantasies.
The Demartini Method will help you to appreciate and love people and yourself the way you are.
As I said earlier, love is a synthesis and synchronicity of opposites. Love of others is the willingness to see both sides in them. Love of yourself is the willingness to see both sides in you. Simultaneously.
You not going to love yourself if you're trying to fix yourself
It may sound surprising to you to hear this, but you don't need improvement. That’s probably a startling awareness.
The idea of self-improvement is a bit of a fantasy that many people buy into because they've been indoctrinated by moral hypocrisies about being one-sided. They’ve bought into the idea that they or others need fixing.
Perhaps growing up, you were told by your parents to always be nice, kind, positive, and generous, while they simultaneously displayed the opposite behavior towards someone else.
This moral discrepancy likely creates uncertainty and confusion, because it’s not sustainable.
For example, if I was to come up to you and say, “You're always nice, never mean. Always kind, never cruel. Always generous, never stingy. Always giving, never taking. Always considerate, never inconsiderate. Always peaceful, never wrathful. Always positive, never negative,” your intuition would let you know this was untrue and that you have another side to you.
If I said, “You're always mean, never nice. Always cruel, never kind. Always negative, never positive. Always wrathful, never peaceful. Always stingy, never generous. Always taking, never giving. Always inconsiderate, never considerate,” your intuition would once again remind you of your other side.
However, if I said, “Sometimes you're nice, sometimes you're mean. Sometimes you're kind, sometimes you're cruel. Sometimes you're positive, sometimes you're negative. Sometimes you’re peaceful, sometimes wrathful,” your intuition would immediately say with certainty that it is true.
I am certain that the true you, the true perfection of you, is not a one-sided fantasy.
The magnificence of who you are - the authentic you, the two-sided simultaneous you, and the one that has all the traits - doesn't need fixing.
That’s amazing when you stop and think about it.
Many people spend their lives trying to get rid of half of themselves in order to love themselves. But you don't need to get rid of half of yourself at all. Instead, it is wiser to own and appreciate all parts of you – that’s the path to true self-love and appreciation.
In the Breakthrough Experience, I show you how to see your unseen side. I help you hold yourself accountable to look at the moment when an action you perceive to be ‘mean’ is also actually equally ‘nice’, and when an action you perceive to be ‘nice’ is actually equally ‘mean’.
In other words, I help you identify the pairs of opposites that occur in every action or inaction you perceive in yourself or others.
The moment you see it, it may bring authentic tears of love and gratitude to your eyes when you realize the hidden order in the apparent chaos, and that you don’t need to get rid of half of anyone to love them, or half of yourself to truly love yourself.
If you are inspired to love every part of yourself without trying to get rid of the parts you perceive to be negative, and if you are tired of seeking one-sided individuals or attempting to fix yourself, then join me at my next 2-day Breakthrough Experience program.
During our time together, I will teach you a scientific reproducible method to master your life, set meaningful objectives aligned with your highest values, and love both yourself and those around you.
None of us know when our last 24 hours will arrive, so why wait to learn the science of self-love, love for others and love for life.
To sum up:
- Love of others is the willingness to see both sides within them, while love of yourself is the willingness to see both sides of yourself simultaneously.
- Exaggerating and minimizing yourself are barriers to authenticity and make it challenging for others to love you for who you truly are.
- Achieving balance and authenticity involves acknowledging both your positive and negative traits equally.
- The Breakthrough Experience offers tools like the Demartini Method to help bring unconscious perceptions into your conscious awareness.
- Achieving conscious awareness and addressing stored polarized emotions helps to liberate you from emotional baggage.
- You can't love yourself if you're trying to fix yourself, you can’t love yourself if you’re not yourself.
- Once you have reflective awareness where the seer, the seeing and the seen are the same, honor within you where you see it in them, and own it quantitatively and qualitatively to the same degree, you are able to calm down the infatuations, resentments and the prides and shames, level the playing field, and love truly both others and yourself.
I would love you to join me at my next 2-day Breakthrough Experience program where I will teach you a scientific method to master your life, set meaningful objectives aligned with your highest values, and love both yourself and those around you as you and they deserve.
Are you ready for the NEXT STEP?
If you’re seriously committed to your own growth, if you’re ready to make a change now and you’d love some help doing so, then book a FREE Discovery call with a member of the Demartini Team so we can take you through your mini power assessment session.
You’ll come away with a 3-step action plan and the foundation to empower your life.
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