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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 8 months ago
In all probability, you've experienced moments of feeling depressed or down, or perhaps you've witnessed someone close to you going through a low period, maybe even diagnosed with clinical depression.
Throughout my travels and work, I've encountered thousands of such individuals, many of whom are surprised when I talk about how they can take command of their depression by mastering the art of balancing the mathematical ratio of their perceptions.
The futility of believing in a one-sided life.
I like to use the analogy of a magnet with its positive and negative poles. The positive pole represents something you seek, while the negative pole symbolizes something you wish to avoid.
You may desire the positive without any negatives, but just like cutting a magnet in half, you'll end up with two smaller magnets, each with its positive and negative sides.
No matter how often you divide it, you'll always have both sides.
It’s the same in life: events and relationships inherently have both positive and negative aspects.
When you interact with others or pursue goals, you might consciously or unconsciously expect a positive outcome without acknowledging the potential challenges or negatives. However, the wiser you become the more you realize that every situation has both sides.
You can subjectively bias your expectation and interpretation and focus solely on the positive, ignoring the negatives or vice versa, but over time, reality reveals both aspects that were initially there at once.
You may remember a time when you entered a relationship with an conscious or unconscious expectation of more positives than negatives, and more advantages than disadvantages. In all likelihood, over time when the inevitable challenges arose and you became conscious of the negatives and downsides, you may have felt blindsided and let down by this other individual.
When entering relationships, starting a new job, moving countries or setting goals, it is wise to set true objectives that embrace both sides. By acknowledging and preparing for the positives and negatives, the upsides and the downsides, you are less likely to buy into an unrealistic one-sided fantasy and feel upset and depressed as a result of the accompanying complementary opposite side.
Depression, as I define it, is a comparison of your current reality, which is balanced, to a one-sided fantasy of how you perceive life should be, which you’re wishing were imbalanced with ore positives than negatives.
In my experience working with countless individuals who have been diagnosed with clinical depression, I've found that unrealistic one-sided expectations most likely fuel this condition.
Those who are depressed tend to focus consciously on their currently perceived downsides, as a result of comparing them to their idealized fantasies about what they want life to be.
So, if you find yourself struggling with depression, take a closer look at your expectations. It is wiser to embrace the fact that life has both positive and negative aspects, and by doing so, you can reclaim command of your emotions and find balance.
15 common factors or reasons that I have found linked to depression
1. Expecting Another Individual To Be One-Sided
Many individuals create a fantasy expecting people to be only nice, kind, positive, peaceful, generous, and considerate, without any negativity of the exact opposite behavior.
However, human nature is not one-sided; we each possess an equal mix of positive and negative traits.
When you expect others to be exclusively positive, you set yourself up for the ABCDEFGHIJ's of negativity which I define as anger, aggression, blame, betrayal, criticism, challenge, despair, depression, desire to exit and escape, futility, frustration, grouchiness, grief, hatred, hurt, irritability, irrationality, and feeling jaded.
Each of these polarized emotions are a result of compensation for your unrealistic expectation of someone to be one-sided.
They're not going to be. No human being will be consistently one-sided. Neither will you.
Anyone that portrays that they are one-sided is covering up and repressing the other side in front of you temporarily.
Eventually, their other side will surface. Whatever is suppressed will end up being expressed to the same degree as it was repressed.
2. Expecting Others to Live in Your Highest Values Or Having An Unrealistic Expectation For Them To Live Outside Their Own Highest Values
Every individual has a set of priorities, a set of values, things that are most to least important in their life that are unique to them.
Anytime you expect someone to live outside their hierarchy of values and possibly in yours or someone else's, you have an unrealistic expectation that's almost guaranteed to create the ABCDFGHIJ's of negativity.
If you know what their highest values are, you’ll know with the highest probability what their perceptions, decisions and actions are aimed at to fulfill. They are most reliable, dedicated, and trustworthy only in the areas of their highest values.
For example, my highest value is teaching, and my second highest value is researching, so you will find me spending the majority of my days teaching and researching.
However, if you expect me to cook or drive a car, I will let you down because those are way lower value actions that I delegate to other and don't do.
So, anytime you expect me to sustainably live in your values, which are different than mine, I will probably let you down.
Betrayal is not what others do to you. Betrayal is what you set yourself up for when you expect others to live outside their highest values or live in your highest values, unless they are quite similar.
Because I know my values, I won't promise to do some actions that aren’t aligned with my highest values. And if I know your set of values, I won't likely expect from you to do something that's not in line with your highest values.
For this reason, it's wise to identify both your own highest values and those of others you care about which you can do by completing my online Value Determination Process.
When you can see how what they're dedicated to is helping you fulfill what you're dedicated to, you're more likely to have more realistic expectations and not expect them to live in your highest values but in their own.
3. A Combination of One-Sided Expectation and Them Living According to Your Highest Values (Points 1 and 2 above)
When you combine the unrealistic expectations on others to be one-sided and living within your highest values, you tend to create a powerful fantasy that their life cannot match, most likely leading to disappointment and depression.
4. An Unrealistic Expectation of Yourself to Be One-Sided
Growing up, you may have been told to always be positive, kind, generous, and peaceful, thereby suppressing the other half of your natural range of emotions.
It is wiser to appreciate that you are sometimes positive and sometimes negative; sometimes kind and sometimes cruel; sometimes supportive and sometimes challenging; sometimes peaceful and sometimes wrathful; sometimes cooperative and sometimes competitive. And all the other possible pairs of complementary opposite behaviors known.
Expecting yourself to be constantly one-sided is unrealistic and can lead to internal conflict and depression.
In my case, it was incredibly liberating when I finally realized that I'm all the above and don't need to get rid of half of myself to love myself.
5. An Unrealistic Expectation of Yourself to Live Outside Your Highest Values And Inside Others’ Highest Values
Emerson stated, envy is ignorance, and imitation is suicide.
You may have experienced this in an infatuated relationship where you tried to live up to someone else's highest values to maintain their affection. However, sacrificing your authenticity to fit their expectations is both futile and unsustainable, and often leads to resentment and depression.
Anytime you expect yourself to live outside your own hierarchy of values and in somebody else's highest values, you're probably going to feel self-defeated because that's what you're designed to do to bring you back to your authentic self.
6. A Combination of Unrealistic Expectations on Yourself (Points 4 and 5 above)
This is when you have an unrealistic expectation of yourself to be one-sided; and to live outside your highest values and inside someone else's highest values.
Now you’re compounding the ABCDEFGHIJ’s of Negativity.
7. The Aggregated Burden (Points 1 through 6): An Unrealistic Expectation of Yourself And Others To Be One-Sided, And Yourself And Others To Live Outside of Your Or Their Highest Values.
The seventh factor arises when you pile all these unrealistic expectations together. In this case, you not only expect others to be one-sided and live according to your highest values, but you also expect yourself to be one-sided and live according to someone else's highest values.
This compounded state often leads to heightened frustration and anger towards the world, which fails to meet these unrealistic demands.
8. Unrealistic Expectations of The Collective Society, and The World In General, To Be One-Sided.
You may have a fantasy about how society is supposed to be. Yet, if you research the global peace index, you'll discover that:
- Peace and war have been oscillating around a balanced state since the inception of this index many decades ago.
- There's the law of eristic escalation making sure that whatever group of individuals is promoting something, another group of an opposite nature is promoting the opposite to balance it.
- There's a spectrum of value systems in society. For everything you stand for, there'll be someone that stands against it: pro-life, pro-abortion, pro-vaccine, anti-vaccine, pro-democrats, pro-republicans, and so on.
So, if you expect the world to be one-sided, that will be a delusion.
Expecting the world to exist solely in a state of peace, devoid of cruelty and conflict, and to embody your desired values, overlooks the inherent duality and diversity of the world.
The reality is that the world comprises complementary opposites, and expecting one-sidedness is another delusion that can lead to depression.
Society requires both sides to evolve and grow.
Maximum growth and development occur at the border of those two supportive and challenging sides, not just at one side.
That's why trying to get rid of half of yourself and half of your loved ones and getting rid of half the world is futile.
You're not here to get rid of anything.
You're here to learn how to love and appreciate both sides because they keep you stable.
9. An Unrealistic Expectation On Society, The Collective, To Live In Your Highest Values
A common illusion is the projection of your highest values onto collective society and believing that if everyone followed these values, the world would be a finally a peaceful place.
However, this is a delusion that can lead you to depression when reality doesn't align with your expectations.
With everyone having a unique set of values, expecting others to live according to your highest value is certainly unrealistic.
There's a spectrum of individuals with complete opposite sets of values, and their belief is just as valid as yours and all are required to make society function.
10. Unrealistic One-sided Expectations on Society and Expectations for Other to Live in Your Highest Values (Points 8 and 9)
By combining the unrealistic expectations of a one-sided society with the imposition of our own individual values onto others, you further burden yourself with unrealistic demands, adding more sources of potential depression.
11. The Accumulation of Unmet Expectations (Points 1 through 10):
Adding up all these unrealistic expectations (from 1 to 10) compounds the emotional burden, resulting in even more significant feelings of depression. This pattern perpetuates the cycle of disappointment and discontent.
If you take someone who is depressed, you're find that one or more of these patterns of unrealistic expectations underline their reality.
They may perceive that the world should support their fantasies and unrealistic expectations. While there may be a biochemical imbalance, I believe it is correlated instead of causal. Unmet expectations can alter neurochemistry.
12. Unrealistic Expectations on Mechanical Objects To Be One-Sided.
At times, you may irrationally project human attributes onto inanimate objects, such as computers, and expect them to respond exactly as you desire. Your frustration likely arises from not understanding how these objects function and expecting them to read your mind and live according to your fantasy or unrealistic expectation.
13. Unrealistic Expectations of Mechanical Values To Live or Function According to Your Highest Values
Like many others, you may tend to imbue mechanical objects, like garage door openers, cars, and computers, with human-like qualities. You may expect them to be consistently nice, positive, and fully functional. However, these objects are merely reflections of human behavior and are subject to their mechanical programs and limitations.
14. Unrealistic Hopes in Technology (Points 12 and 13)
Beyond expecting mechanical objects to behave in a one-sided way, you may also fall into the trap of believing that technology can save the world and fulfill your every desire. However, this belief is rooted in unrealistic expectations, as technology is neither inherently good nor bad - it is a tool created and influenced by human intentions and actions.
15. The Culmination of Unrealistic Expectations.
When you add these last three unrealistic expectations to the previous twelve, you arrive at a total of fifteen common delusions that contribute to depression in many individuals.
Suppose you have any of these 15 unrealistic expectations or multitudes of them. In that case, you will likely have a frustrating and somewhat depressing life.
When your life and current reality doesn’t match your fantasy, you'll tend to want LIFE on the outside to change instead of your PERCEPTIONS and EXPECTATIONS to change and be more realistic.
In many cases, people suffering from depression attribute their condition to biochemical imbalances. However, this notion has recently been partly debunked, and it has been shown that neurotransmitter responses in the brain are influenced by perceptions, beliefs and expectations. Depression often stems from unrealistic expectations that tend to lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction with reality.
To overcome depression, it is wise to examine the content of your mind during moments of despair. By identifying the unrealistic expectations that underpin these compensatory negative feelings, you can begin to address the root sources of your distress. This is a process that I train people to do in my 2-day seminar the Breakthrough Experience. If you have an interest in finding out more about the program visit my website or chat to a member of the Demartini Team (see chat function bottom right of this screen)
To Sum Up:
- It is wise to recognize that your perceptions and expectations can shape your experiences and emotions. The pharmaceutical industry may suggest that biochemical imbalances are the cause of depression, but your perceptions play a significant role in your mental and emotional well-being. You hold the power to change your perceptions and expectations and, in turn, your neurochemistry.
- Determining your highest values and living congruently with them can bring more balance and objectivity to your life. By equally embracing both pleasure and pain and support and challenge in pursuit of meaningful goals, you can find fulfillment and set realistic expectations.
- Depression is not so much an enemy or a disease if reframed; it is a feedback mechanism, a signal that you have unrealistic expectations. By grounding yourself in a more balanced reality and setting more realistic expectations, you can find relief from depression.
I am inspired to help people master their life, and the Breakthrough Experience is designed to do just that. By attending this program, you will gain invaluable insights and tools to take command of your life, dissolve illusions, and set realistic expectations so you can achieve and be more fulfilled.
Your true and balanced magnificence is far greater than any fantasy you may impose on yourself.
You have the power to fuel your life with gratitude and embark on an amazing journey. So, if you want to transcend self-defeating thoughts, self-depreciation, and depression, join me at the Breakthrough Experience. I will personally guide you through the process of transformation.
During our time together, you will experience immediate results and learn invaluable tools to carry with you throughout your life. It's not something that will happen someday; it's right there, waiting for you to experience and apply.
I look forward to meeting you in the program and helping you transform your life.
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